This is getting worst

Dentro de un mes, menos de un mes, tres semanas... (Oh Dios, mío) empiezo los exámenes del primer cuatrimestre. Tengo muchísimas cosas para estudiar, resumir, subrayar, etc. y no tengo tiempo. No es que no tenga tiempo, ¡es qué no sé que estudiar! Me pongo los apuntes delante y no sé por donde cogerlos. No sé por donde empezar.

Within one month, less than a month, just three weeks I will start my exams of the first semester. And OMG! I don't know how to start... I sit in front of my books and I just stare at them for hours. I don't know how to start or what to do first.. is amazing how stupid I feel. Yesterday I read for two hours the same chapter without remembering hardly anything. 

pinterest

                                                               

Así que me dedico a buscar imagenes para motivarme. Ésta es un ejemplo de las tropecientas que tengo en el móvil... lo único que me queda es editar una de James Franco, del que estoy locamente enamorada, y pegarla en la pared de mi cuarto para verla siempre. Creo que sería una buena opción. 

As result of this, I spend hours looking for photos like the one above. Just to motivate myself. It's not working but at least I'm trying. I found thousands of pictures like this with Ryan Gosling but none with James Franco, my famous crush (he is going to be my children's dad in the future :D ) I will edit one photo of him with the phrase " If you pass all your exams I will marry you. Study hard, baby." Sounds, pretty good and it motivates me a lot. No, it doesn't, but I feel hopeless right now.

Kisses, Mali.

2014.

Happy New Year!

                                                                      <3
                                                               

Five days have passed since the start of the new year but I'm a little slow and I need time to assimilate the change. It's not really a big deal but I have started the year fighting my old demon. Just kidding!
It's just my depression, I'am dealing with it since I was like fiveteen or so... But I'm starting to feel it less powerful everytime it hits me because I'm more aware that it's not impossible to calm and to make it disappear slowly. I've passed the last days holding up my tears, laughing at every single thing my friends or parents did but know I'm getting better. One day I was surfing on the internet, probably on weheartit (I spend hours there), and I found this image:

I can honestly say that this is how I felt the past years. I was caring everyday something on my shoulders and I wasn't able to carry it anymore. I let myself fall. I collapsed. Honestly, this was the worse thing I ever felt. I was senseless. I slept for hours, I never got enough sleep... I needed more and more. Sometimes at night I woke up at I started  crying for hours till I fell again asleep. It was horrible. I didn't get any help from my family. I was mad with my dad, we never had a good relationship, and my mum was afraid of asking me if I was well. I prefer to think that my mum didn't noticed my problems. I dealt with it alone, all by myself. I'm really proud of me, I'm a warrior for dealing with these for years and without any help or treatment. 

I don't have any resolutions for the new year, I just want to keep moving forward. My big dream is to become self-supporting, find a small place to live and a job. 

Kisses, Mali.